January 13

7:19pm

Did you know that if you get hot pepper in your eye the best remedy is milk?

These are things we are finding out in our apartment tonight.

I was sitting on my bed eating some corn after the gym (two days in a row! I know!) when all of a sudden Roomie starts howling in pain from the kitchen. She’s as terrible as a cook as me, which makes me think she has amputated her hand or similar. Rushed to her aid and she is hysterically screaming and crying because I guess she got juice from a hot pepper in her eye and the whole side of her face was on fire. This kind of pepper was the super super hot variety, evidently, a few million Scoville units past anything I could handle. I danced around for a few minutes because I didn’t know how to help her so finally I went to Google remedies.

Five minutes later she was laying on the floor of our living room while I poured whole milk into her eye and The Cat judged us from a corner.

It’s no wonder we’re single to be quite honest.


8:22pm

Firing up the egg cooker again. Karlie Kloss probably eats egg whites all the time. A dozen a day. No nachos tonight. I already brushed my teeth to avoid temptation of eating anything else but it will probably not work if I had to guess.

Waiting to speak to a promising OkCupid boy, who has asked if he can call me (which my friends think is odd and not in line with standard protocol). We started texting last night and he seems very sweet — he described his teenage sister as “beautiful and complex” and asked lots of nice questions to me. From extensive internet stalking (oh, right, they can see when you look at their LinkedIn) I have deduced that he is considerably taller than me and has a nice smile. I’m coming around to the idea of a phone call because I will be able to tell if he has an effeminate voice or not without having to put on makeup and go sit in a dive bar for two hours.

It is 8:30. Obviously I have other fabulous plans, I am not simply sitting in my apartment tonight awaiting phone calls from mysterious strangers. Also, it doesn’t do to call after 9, I learned this in manners school. Tick tock my dear.

 

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January 3

11:54am

Official first day of following resolutions, as all day yesterday was spent on an airplane back from home and did not count. And nobody ever counts the first. In the words of Bridget Jones, everyone is too hungover and cranky.

When alarm went off at 9:30am, hit snooze until 11:30am, when I was awakened by my cat poking my face with her paw and wondering why I was still comatose.

I was supposed to go to the gym today. That’s alright, probably best to ease into these things. Besides, it’s good to get some really high-quality sleep on the weekends. I’m back at work on Monday and I will have plenty of time to go to the gym after that. I will not, however, have time to sleep till 11:30am when I have to be coherent in front of a classroom of children at 8:00am.

Things to accomplish today:

  1. Unpack suitcase from vacation. Do not live out of suitcase like bag lady until February.
  2. Grade 90 five paragraph essays submitted to me by my middle schoolers for evaluation over Winter Break. Plan of doing ten per day for nine days over break failed miserably so therefore must be wildly productive and get through them all today. Oh, also, there are 120 unit exams. Those should be done too.
  3. Clean temper tantrum cat hairballs off of everything while trying not to dwell on the fact that your cat is punishing you for having to suffer the indignity of an excellent cat sitter who cost $17 per day.

Best get going.


 6:39pm

Well, I did not grade the scary stack of student work that I promised myself I would look at today. Which means that all of tomorrow will be spent in a state of frenzied, coffee-fueled grading. Things to look forward to.

I did, however, unpack my suitcase, which is a big accomplishment for me, as I usually do not do this for several weeks following my trip. In fact, over the course of these few weeks, I usually shove MORE things into my packed suitcase off the floor when I am “cleaning,” which makes the final unpacking event much more… involved. I was surprised at how well it went when I did not encounter a layer of random receipts, hairbrushes, batteries, cat toys, and other debris before getting to the main event. Clothes are now hanging nicely in the closet and I’m feeling very proud of myself.

Currently waiting on roommate to get back to apartment from her Christmas on Long Island and enduring malevolent stares from The Cat. She tends to forget that I rescued her from certain euthanasia in September, when I chose her half-blind, toothless, yowling, 7-year-old self over dozens of frolicking kittens at the shelter. Even the adoption ladies were all, “This is not an easy cat. This is a SPECIAL cat.” But, because I am a sucker for a sob story and they told me all about her previous abusive homes, here she is. She tolerates me, and I think sometimes we might be approaching love.

I have been idly browsing OkCupid but I am thinking I might delete it. I’m noticing that everybody has one big flaw that you cannot see when you look at their profile, but becomes immediately apparent as soon as you decide to meet them in person. They’re usually dealbreakers for me. Thus far, I have encountered…

  • A good looking, well-educated engineer with a voice like Minnie Mouse
  • An Ivy-League educated banker who SAID he was 6’2″ but was actually more like 5’2″ (and I towered over him let me tell you)
  • A guitarist for a band who must have photoshopped his pictures so as not to include his cystic acne
  • An actor with glorious sculpted eight-pack abs who turned out to be a pretentious womanizer

All of this makes me wonder if I have some huge dealbreaking flaw as well that I am blissfully unaware of. Do they meet me and be like, oh man, what a freak that one is? Since I stopped texting them all back I guess I’ll never know.