April 28

4:54pm

It’s been too long since I’ve written. My, how the time flies. To be fair, as a math teacher, the math state exam (the last three days of last week) is the busiest time of year. Spent a whole year getting them ready for this test only to find that the day prior they’d seemingly forgotten every word I’ve ever spoken to them.

“Miss, what happens when you multiply by zero again?”

You gotta be kidding me. And all this nonsense was paired with the longest week at grad school I’ve ever had.

So that was last week, and the beginning of this week has been even worse. One of my closest work friends, another teacher, was in a horrible car accident over the weekend. Her father, the driver, passed away, and she has been in the ICU for three days. I’ve been worrying non-stop, waiting for updates. Spent yesterday and today gathering money from coworkers, we’re going to buy her a small bouquet of flowers and give the rest to her so she can hopefully afford to take a few extra days off some of the three jobs she’s working. I’ve said it before, but the worst things really do happen to the best people.

Oh, and this is trivial after everything else, but after what I thought was a successful date last Friday The Lawyer just must have decided he’d had enough because we haven’t spoken since.

I hate to use my blog to bitch about life. I’d much prefer to be more positive. Nobody on the internet cares what my problems are. I just don’t feel like writing funny things right now but I had to write something.

Things should be slowing down any minute now, we’re coming up to the end of the year and I’m hoping I’ll have more time to write and focus on better things!

I’m taking my first ever field trip tomorrow. 60 kids to a museum near Times Square. If that’s not a distraction, I don’t know what is, and it will undoubtedly be a goldmine of comedic potential. Stay tuned.

April 16

7:59pm

Good evening, internet. In the spirit of the New York State standardized tests I tortured middle schoolers with today, here’s a little multiple choice for you.

Today, did I…

A: Drop my freshly-purchased monthly metrocard into a toilet  

B: Not notice the dried cat hairball on the scarf I wore to work until second period    

C: Triple text the lawyer  

D: All of the above?

That would be a resounding D, ladies and gentlemen. B happened first. I noticed the cat vomit on my scarf while I was proctoring the very big and important test. This realization caused me to silently unwind my scarf and scrub it behind my desk with a baby wipe, all without taking my eyes off my kids lest they immediately start sharing answers in some previously undiscovered dialect of seventh grade sign language.

That there’s a run on, folks. Good thing I don’t teach English.

Right after this glorious adventure I went to the bathroom, and while I was pulling up my pants my Metrocard slid out of my pocket and landed in the toilet. I had to go wash it in the sink under the disapproving gaze of a sixth grade science teacher who was very clearly judging me. It was a monthly. They’re 116.50, and I have till May 12th. What would you have me do, Joanna?

Then, I needed to feel better, so I texted the boy.

He did eventually text me back last night, but the conversation petered out before we made weekend plans. This was understandably frustrating, so I did the unthinkable and texted him again today without first consulting The Trifecta. I know I would have gone 0 for 3 on support from Roomie/Sister/Work Husband on this critical matter, so I went ahead and did it anyway. In fact, Roomie and Sister probably won’t know about this momentary lapse in reason until they read this blog post. Please forgive me, beautiful loves.

Anyway, now we tentatively have plans for tomorrow evening before my friend’s birthday party. I think? I am unsure if we are actually meeting up or not and I’m afraid to ask lest I scare him off. Men startle easily. So hopefully this will get cleared up at some point tomorrow.

In anticipation of encounters with both Lawyer and Sam tomorrow, I have slathered myself with two layers of self-tanning lotion and the smell is nauseating. I’m watching The Cat chase a bug across my floor and hoping it’s not a cockroach.

I did eat some mac and cheese for dinner, though, so this day wasn’t a total wash. Here’s a really cute music video to cheer us up:

April 15

8:23pm

Spent all day crafting perfect text to Cute Lawyer. After consulting with The Trifecta, we settled on…

“Hey whats up? I’m back in town, how have you been”

Punctuation (or lack thereof) obviously very important when crafting casual texts. No explanation points, we don’t like to seem too excited.

Text delivered: 2:27pm. Current time: 8:25pm

That’s a ten-second clip from Stripes, my favorite movie of all time, and it describes my current state of mind. Sister and Work Husband were right, it seems. If he hasn’t texted me, he’s just not that into me.

Incidentally, ladies, that’s a very good book for times such as this. He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.

He's_Just_Not_That_into_You_cover

Give it a read if you’re anything like me, but ignore that movie adaptation trash that is not related to the actual book at all. Similar to What to Expect When You’re Expecting. How did they turn a pregnancy guide into a major motion picture and still turn a profit?

Anyway, in other news, The Cat is apparently immune to the sedatives her vet sent to aid in the nail trimming. I have given her the dosage they suggested and then a tiny bit extra and she is still skipping around the apartment playing with socks. I’m terrified to give her more in case it’s bad for her but it doesn’t look like her nails are getting clipped tonight either.

And it’s only Wednesday. GOD.

April 14

7:34pm

I have not blogged in two whole weeks and I am not the least bit sorry about it. I was on a technology break and it was one of my best ideas ever, if I do say so myself.

NYC schools were on Spring Break from April 2nd until yesterday and I decided to use my computer as little as possible during that ten days. Other than a few non-optional graduate school assignments, I kept my computer closed. No Buzzfeed binges, no Facebook stalking, no late-night Netflix. I did allow myself my phone, I’m not insane, but there were still obvious results. During the last two weeks, I read five books and slept like a baby and probably would have even lost some weight were it not for all the alcohol I drank when reliving my college days with my younger sister.

Anyway, it’s good to be back. The Cat, as per usual, ignored her $18 dollar a day catsitters for the duration of my vacation (apartment covered in pleading notes, “the cat still will not let me touch her” and “what suggestions do you have for next time”) but she seemed pretty happy to see me:

unnamed (6)Anyway, a lot has happened over the past two weeks, so to keep this post from turning into a novel, here is a short-and-sweet list to get all my dear readers caught up.

  • Saw The Lawyer the day before I left. Texted him a little the next morning, haven’t heard from him since. To be fair, we rarely text just to chat (only to make plans) and he knew I was out of town, but am still irritated/worked up/feeling unsure about the situation. Am gearing up to text him tomorrow, which 2/3 of the members of the Trifecta (my sister, my roommate, and my work husband) have deemed appropriate. My sister maintains this will drive him away, but I do really want to talk to him.
  • Have to see Sam (dreaded ex) at his roommate’s birthday party on Friday. I have to go because the birthday boy is a dear friend and there is absolutely no way out of it as I planned the whole extravaganza. Roomie does not understand this and is being dragged along against her will (have promised her we will leave early and go dancing). It is only Tuesday and I am completely consumed with planning an outfit that will make Sam want me back only so I can shove it in his face and say “HA, no, I’m (kind of maybe) dating texting interested in a cute (hard to get) lawyer (cue The Lawyer appearing at the bar with a white horse or at least another vodka soda).” Disclaimer: work in progress. 
  • The Cat still will not let me trim her nails despite trying every trick in the book (Google). Have become desperate and called vet for sedatives. Am not excited to roofie my animal but it must be done in the name of claw health. She’s getting snagged on things.
  • For those of you keeping score, I did, in fact, dance on stage with my father’s band at their show. His drummer (a perpetually high older gentleman who they only refer to as Bishop) forgot my cat ears, though, so I was sadly dressed as a human but I still had a lot of fun. Unfortunately this glorious event was not captured on video because we had just finished taking multiple rounds of shots paid for on my dad’s credit card. Attention, fathers, never leave your card at the bar and tell your 24-year-old daughter and her college friends to have a nice time.

These are the updates. Now you have been caught up and I will blog tomorrow with Lawyer text updates.

Thank you to the 60 new people who followed me over the last week even though I wrote nothing. You lit a fire under my ass and made me feel obligated to write something new, and for that, I salute you!


8:04pm

Have accidentally liked my own post and was subsequently flummoxed by the notification I received. How did somebody like it so fast, I wondered?

Then I realized it was, in fact, me liking my own post. I deleted it like a stealth ninja. I was worried someone would see and think that I thought that highly of myself. Yikes.

March 31

8:37pm

It’s right before spring break and my students have gone into a state of open rebellion. Between state tests and the weather finally getting warm, it’s anarchy in the hallways and not much better within the confines of room 319. I am attempting to teach my classes about the human body, which redefines disaster with Brooklyn seventh graders who have been studying each other’s anatomy far too long. If only they were as innocent as this little guy from my favorite YouTube discovery this week…

I have been discussing coping strategies with other teachers. I think what it’s come down to is I’m just going to make my classes say words like “penis” and “anus” repeatedly and in unison until they can do so without laughing uncontrollably. I don’t know how I’ll get through these body systems otherwise.

"Alright, class, now we are going to repeat the word 'vagina' and hope to god the principal doesn't walk in."

“Alright, class, now we are going to repeat the word ‘vagina’ and hope to god the principal doesn’t walk in.”

All of you other teachers reading this who teach cutesy suburbia kids and are questioning my methods, teach a day in the middle of Brooklyn and we’ll see how you feel.

What else is new? Well, today I went to the gym, and this time I had all the necessary articles of clothing. However, I somehow got myself into an unpleasant situation that involved me choking on a piece of my own hair. It was very unattractive. I ended up kind of trying to fish it out of my mouth while simultaneously drooling all over myself on the stair master.  I’m sure this was all very entertaining for the gum-chomping high schooler working the front desk ten yards from me.

Also, I have not seen hot lawyer in the flesh since last Saturday night. I am in a state of high anxiety. The problem with dating a busy, high-flying lawyer is sometimes they are too busy being high-flying to hang out with you. Our date has been pushed to Thursday night. Before you get mad at him for bailing on me, he’s been working every night until 9 and hasn’t had a spare minute. He was super apologetic about having to move our date, and even offered to come all the way to my neighborhood to see me.

I’m trying not to be excited in case I don’t like him as much as I think I do, but excessive Google stalking has revealed adorable habits like playing soccer in a weeknight league with other tax litigators. He also spent a summer in another country studying their democracy and teaching little children English. And he is blonde and muscular. It’s like he read a book on how to seduce me.

And don’t worry, I logged out of my LinkedIn before I stalked his. He can’t see I’ve been creeping. This isn’t amateur hour.

Finally, I am leaving on Friday morning to go home for Easter. My dad’s band’s show is Friday night. I am still on the lineup as a backup dancer in cat ears while they cover Stray Cat Strut. At least twelve of my college friends have already confirmed their attendance.

These are the updates from Brooklyn. Now, I am just waiting for Roomie to let her guard down so I can play my April Fool’s prank(s)…

March 26

8:53pm

Today I’m feeling thankful. I don’t know why, on today of all days, I am feeling so positive about things. Sometimes, I just get this overwhelming sense of liking where I live and loving what I do, and its a good perspective to have. I don’t have it enough. I get so caught up in the daily drama — stresses at work, which boys didn’t text back — and it really takes away from the big picture sometimes.

I was just at dinner with some friends, celebrating getting through my yearly teaching evaluation (which was today, and I think it went well) and we were talking about how good life is. Tonight is the first perfect spring evening in New York this year: it rained all day, the city smells clean, and everything feels hopeful.

Spring in NYC, courtesy of Dougtone

Spring in NYC, courtesy of Dougtone

So I took the long walk home, and this is what I am thankful for today:

  • Still having grandparents who are such a positive, loving force in my life
  • My neurotic toothless cat, who is once again passive aggressively scratching things as I write this
  • The fact that this miserable winter finally appears to be coming to a close
  • Disposable income, and the fact that I can buy a totally impractical pair of bright yellow high heels and still be able to pay my rent
  • A roommate who I love so much, and I who I never would have made it here without
  • Mojitos (okay, so I had a few at dinner)
  • Good books and a comfortable bed to read them in
  • My extraordinarily crappy hockey team, and the hope of playoffs next year
  • A date with a cute lawyer (moved to Monday, for those keeping score)
  • A job that makes me happy and where I make a difference
  • The fact that people are reading my blog! I’m getting notifications that I have more readers than usual. Thank you!

There’s a million more, and I could list them all, but nobody would care to read them. But as we transition into the hopeful season of spring, I feel like I’m on to something good.

Remember to count your blessings. Most people don’t do so nearly enough!

March 24

6:56pm

Today from Brooklyn: I finally make a good-faith effort to go to the gym and be healthy for the first time in a week, and it goes horribly awry. Typical.

I’ve been feeling fat ever since I developed a crush on an insanely healthy man with rock-hard abs, so today I decided to jump back on the “eating clean” bandwagon I take a ride on once a week. My lunch contained:

  • Three slices of turkey
  • A hard-boiled egg
  • String cheese
  • An avocado
  • A small bag of almonds

Some people cook meals. I just eat random finger foods like some sort of clean-eating toddler.

I had several difficulties with this lunch. First of all, I was only armed with a butter knife and my avocado was not ripe/soft yet. This resulted in me hacking at it like a savage while the 8th grade social studies teacher gazed at me curiously. Also, there is no way to eat sliced deli turkey and not look like a freak unless other parts of a sandwich are involved. I didn’t bother with that. Not even crackers. This chick ate three pieces of sandwich turkey plain. Where are my abs? Are they here yet?

After school, I attempted to go to the gym. I haven’t been in over a week and I guess the last inventory of my locker was off because when I arrived at the gym I was missing several critical items. First, I realized I had no hair tie. As I was constructing an elaborate teacher updo with things found in my backpack (rubber bands and paper clips, obviously) I discovered that neither my locker nor my backpack contained workout pants. In addition, I only had one sock. I gave up then and walked right out. Terry, my gym manager, was very confused about my five-minute stop and I was too embarrassed to admit that I forgot my pants so I let him think it was some kind of woman trouble.

Que sera sera.